Wandering with Reckless Abandon

I remember back in the late eighties(?) watching an Orioles game when Billy Ripken, the lesser known Ripken, was up to bat. Up until that point Billy had been a serviceable second baseman that was gaining in reputation around the league. During his at bat Billy took a ball to the head (I think) that put him on the DL for a while… I will never forget that at bat, because from that point on Billy Ripken always struck me as being less confident at the plate…

I remember back in fourth or fifth grade, playing little league, I was up to bat against Fifth District Elementary School, and I got nailed by Brett Rourka, the pitcher for fifth’s team… After that at bat (moreso than before it, to be honest) I was always a little afraid of getting hit, and it affected my confidence at the plate…

Fast forward to now… coming away from an experience that was less than ideal, I realize that I am again a little bit gunshy…

In a conversation with a friend yesterday I was talking about my future opportunities, and at the same time I was reflecting back on some experiences that I have had in this whole job hunt… I have begun to realize that I am nervous… I am nervous about once again stepping into the breach of ministry, and having to rely on other people to have my back and support me.

The irony of this is that I want with all that I have in me to step back into the breach and rely on other people to have my back and support me… I am just nervous…

Nervous that once again the support that I was promised will vanish as soon as I need it.
Nervous that what I am told will not match up with reality.
Nervous that once again I will invest my life into something that is not sustainable, because of the dysfunction around me.

The beauty of this is that now I know… Now I know the inner doubts and questions that have been haunting me for more than a year. Now I can begin to address them, and proactively deal with them rather than allow them to rule from the shadows of my subconcious.

Now that my fears have come to light, my prayer is for God to speak to them, and to address them with those that I may be serving with… and pressing on from there…

So thank you Curtis, for taking the time to push me on what is going on inside me… I appreciate it more than you know.