Wandering with Reckless Abandon

So this morning I woke up thinking about the difference between this year and last.

Last year at this time I was hitting bottom. I was depressed (not yet on paxil), disillusioned, and uncertain of my future. I knew that things were broken and wrong, and I was not allowed to influence that at all. I was heartbroken.

This post is not intended to be a downer, it is actually one that I am excited to write… I am excited because of what I have seen God do in my life over the past year… At this time last year, I had the conversation with a member of my former church that made me realize that I needed to leave, and quick. After a sermon aimed at what we could be as a church, a Godly older woman, one who had been in the church for decades, came to me, looked me in the eye with tears in hers, and told me that she no longer believed that we would be able to be a thriving, growing, healthy church. I had nothing hopeful or positive to say to that… I needed to go.

Fast forward a year… I have since been on anti-depressants, changed professions, and am now looking at the potential to once again step into ministry in a way that is unlike something that I have ever done before… planting a church in a strange culture… leaving the world of youth ministry, and embracing the role of executive pastor (or whatever my job would be called)… Oh how far we’ve come…

As I processed through this in the shower (sorry if that graphic disturbs you), I reflected on the fouth step of A.A.’s twelve steps…

And so, I have begun to take inventory of where I am at…

While I am far from perfect (I know that is shocking), I am better.

Having spent time away from the church, I have again begun to enjoy it, to again find myself free to worship, and embrace the service. I have spent some wonderful time working my way through the prophets, and my passion to serve and pastor has returned… my desire to see the church grow in influence and impact is back, and my desire to shepherd and grow leaders is stronger than ever… this is HUGE for me… I remember sitting in my office around this time last year wondering if my passion would return… it has… and stronger than ever…

But even as I write the positives, and look toward the hopeful future that I have, the thought in the back of my head continues to scream about other areas in my life. I know that I have work to do. I know that there are things that I need to take care of. Those of you who really know me, know that I tend to medicate when I am frustrated. While my medicating has taken different forms through the years, with varying degrees of destructiveness, it seems over the last several years to settle on food.

And so, this year, right now, I find myself realizing that this needs to change. Having come to the point where I am feeling healthier than I have been in three or four years, I now find myself dealing with the consequences of medicating my struggles. And so it is time for me to begin to lose the weight that I put on during my season of trial…

I have had an ongoing arguement in my head from the time that I decided to post this… There is a prideful part of me that keeps screaming that I need to password protect this, but there is a part of me that says that this needs to be made public. Public because with openess there is accountability and authenticity but there also becomes honesty. Honesty with myself, honesty with others, and honesty before my God.

And so my prayer is now for God to continue the spiritual and emotional restoration that he has started, but also to begin to restore my body through His gentle prodding, that I may return to physical health as well…