Wandering with Reckless Abandon

It has been an interesting week, uniquely intertwined.

This past Sunday we had a guest speaker (Mike Donohue) at church… Preaching about rejection, he used this passage of scripture:

31 When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”

33 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.

34 Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.

35 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the LORD.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.

This week I have had two of those awkward experiences that happen only after an unexpected encounter with a past love. During both of these experiences I was surprised by how quickly the feelings flooded back…

The first was courtesy of Facebook. An ex-girlfriend of mine added me as a friend. As interested as I am to hear about her life, I am still in process of healing. I eventually had to remove her from my list…

The second encounter was a phone call from one of the elders from my former church this evening. He was calling to “check in” on me, and see if I had anything that I would like to pass along to the elders about my experience there. I told him that I really had nothing to pass along, that I had pretty much told them everything when I resigned…

A week ago, I think I would have responded differently to that phone call. But as I mentioned earlier, it has been an interesting week. After Mike’s sermon on Sunday, I started to reflect on this past year, and the past few years.
I began to think about the job hunt that I have been on, looking to serve on staff at another church.
I began to think about how I generally deal with rejection and feelings of loss.

And I realized that I don’t deal with it well.
It’s not that I throw tantrums and break things…
I just pretend that nothing went wrong.
I just suck it up and carry on.
Cavalierly moving on.

And so, I need to begin to retrain myself when it comes to dealing with rejection and loss.

To me, this is where I begin to take hope from the story of Leah.
Leah knew rejection.
Leah also knew how to deal with it.

Leah admitted her feelings. Leah allowed herself to mourn. Leah then allowed herself to move on.

Leah also knew something very important. From the beginning she knew that God saw her pain. She knew that God was intimately aware of her struggle. She knew that even during the time of her struggle that the presence of the Lord continued to be with her.

In her pain, the presence of the Lord was with her.
In her sorrow, the presence of the Lord was with her.

Ultimately, when her mourning ended, and she began to rejoice in what the Lord had given to her the presence of the Lord remained upon her… and she was satisfied in that.

So, now what?

I have finally admitted that this season has taken its’ toll on me. While the mourning period has been brief, it has been productive… and healthy. And so while I continue to soak on what I am being called to, I am enjoying the favor that I have been granted in this season. I have a beautiful home, a job that I am good at and compensates me well, and I am able to minister to the people that have been placed in my life.

Those that know me well know that I am a bit of a perfectionist. I tend to strive so hard for excellence that I miss the joys that I am surrounded by. While my intention was never to sell Fords, this is where I currently am, and it is where the Lord has chosen for me to flourish for the time being. While I continue to soak and pray as to where and when I am to move, I have become surprising content with where I am currently.

It is my hope that even as I experience the rejection and loss that comes with life, I will remain able to do so…