When “sex is bad” stops working…
Len posted this article…
Christian parents and churches need to face up to a problem long hidden in the dark: Evangelical teenagers are just as sexually active as their non-Christian friends.
In fact, there is evidence that evangelical teenagers on the whole may be more sexually immoral than non-Christians. Statistically, evangelical teens tend to have sex first at a younger age, 16.3, compared to liberal Protestants, who tend to lose their virginity at 16.7. And young evangelicals are far more likely to have had three or more sexual partners (13.7 percent) than non-evangelicals (8.9 percent).
I am glad to see that this is finally starting to get some attention outside of publications targeted to youth pastors…
As a youth pastor I often struggled with how to handle sex with the students that I shepherded. I have long been turned off by programs such as Silver Ring Thing and True Love Waits because they focus on conforming one part of a student’s life to the image of Christ, instead of taking a more holistic approach…
I remember that I used to take heat from parents that I was not teaching about sex enough within our ministry. I would touch on it once a year, and then we had a group of high school guys that would meet on a weekly basis and talk about purity, authentic manhood, and the like, but many of our parents wanted me to be teaching on sex more often than that, and while I did not mind having the “sex talk”, I never felt totally comfortable giving it.
I always felt like I was only teaching half the story.
You see, this World Magazine article is right on. Our students ARE having sex just as much as students who are not involved in the church. Even more disturbing is that our students use protection far less than students who are not part of the church.
And just to really upset people (and get me kicked out of the Youth Pastor Union once and for all) I think that Youth Ministry is part of the reason that this problem exists.
I think that we get so focused on keeping out kids from having sex, that so much emphasis is put on abstinence, that we get so much pressure from parents to make sure that their kids aren’t doing it, that we set our kids up for failure when it comes to abstinence. It is the same old story, you tell someone what they can not do, you keep telling them that, and sure enough… they end up doing it.
I used to get so conflicted on the one Sunday night each year that I would discuss sex with my students because I felt like I was being irresponsible for not telling them that if they were going to engage in sex that they should at least have the good sense to use protection… but for me to teach that would have resulted in the loss of my job. Whenever I would have that conversation with parents or church leadership the reaction was always the same blank look.
I have often said that sexual sin is just sin. In God’s economy it has the same value as gluttony, gossip, murder, or ripping the tag off of the mattress. It is not a one way ticket to hell, and we need to stop making it out to be the sin of sins. Like all sins it has some unique consequences, but it is still just sin, and I think it would be better for our students if we began to treat it this way, and talking about sex as part of a holistic faith development journey, rather than training our kids for failure by consistently putting the forbidden fruit in front of them, and telling them not to partake.
Filed under: church, life, ministry, religion, students, worship
Snoop,
This post reminds me of a conversation I have quite often with people when they find out who my class is for…. “Well, do you tell them they’ve sinned?” Ummm, hello? They’re either pregnant or have a child.
One of the girls in particular said recently, “All I was taught growing up was that sex before marriage was wrong. And that sex during marriage is just a chore. I figured if it was going to be a chore anyway - I might as well get use to doing it.. Sort of like cooking dinner and having it on the table at 6:00 p.m. every night. It is just a routine part of my life.”
Great post, snoop. Thanks for speaking up and out.
Good thoughts. This last weekend a boyfriend of one of the girl’s in our youth min. broke up with her because she wouldn’t “give him enough.”
VICTORY!!
Your “holistic approach” idea is great. Teens need to be taught an overall perspective of conforming themselves to the image of Christ in all areas, not just sex. It just so happens that, along with several other key issues, sex is what is on their minds most of the time. Teens need something bigger and more challenging than “just say no.” Great post.
thanks for sharing. it’s definitely something that’s not talked about enough. seems that just say no works only for a season…and then there needs to be something more.
I think that it’s horrible when someone in the position to help prevent teen pregnancy and sexual stupidity would have to be silent because of the church.
Sex is going to happen, but at least if they find out when they’re young that it doesn’t have to be unprotected sex that might save them from far worse.
I know that abstinence doesn’t always work–I’ve seen many friends go down that road–and just to get them to understand that if you have unprotected sex that having a child out of wedlock is the worst of your problems. HIV and AIDS are just a few of many sexually transmitted diseases.
If the churches all understood that, if they won’t listen to any other option, they need to keep the kids safe, I think the world might be better place.
A great post on a topic long neglected and ignored. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, good post, great thoughts.
I agree with you, but I have to say, sex isn’t bad. Sex wasn’t ever bad, in and of itself. Just like money. Money and sex aren’t inherently bad. Out of their order, though, the partaking of them is. Worshipping money, and having sex out of marriage are both sinful, but youths, rather than being told (I don’t really believe that it’s teaching unless they learn) over and over that ’sex is bad’, then they’ll take that into their marriages too. What needs to happen is that sex needs to be taken out of the limelight, and put back in its place - in marriage. Youths need to know about sex. They need to know that it takes place between husband and wife, and that the marriage bed is its right, holy, God-ordained place.
Sex has never been bad or seen wrongly by me as Christian. Then to love God and because of that love freely choose to have sex in the realm of Gods bondaries that He has choosen because of what he knows is best for man is not to see sex as bad. it is though very bad that christian youngsters dont love God so much that thay obey him. that is really bad!
Amen, brother. I often feel much the same way in dealing with kids at our church, and outside of it.
Snoop, have you read Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality by Rob Bell? It’s really fantastic. I loved every bit of it. Go ahead, read it, examine it; it definitely opened my eyes to a lot about humanity.
I have not yet read it, it is on my to read pile… I should be getting to it shortly…
Even though this might be a step in the right direction.. I would argue, why is sex a sin? If someone can give me a decent answer I will believe it, but so far it’s the same thing. Why is it wrong to have sex?
Excellent post! Americans are prudent and double faced when it come to sexuality. Every European knows that. Why should we not start to give our kid the tools to handle their own and the the sexuality of their kids with more responsibility, confidence and freedom than we handle it currently.
Does everybody think he/she is on this planet because their parents where doing it with the bible under the pillow?
Give me a break. Sex has been and will be a natural behavior of healthy people.
Nothing about normal sex is sin nor abnormal.
If one religion wants to call extramarital sex sin and another not, so be it.
Its a natural thing and the piece of paper will not change the fact that it is the only activity which keep man kind in existence.
Without sex there would be no Christians, no Buddists,no Muslims. no Jews no nobody.
So why not tell them kids the facts. The result of this education will be alone in the hands of the teenagers. Your guidance will be welcome. However, they still do what they want when it comes to sex. In this case I prefer than my daughter knows enough to make her own decision, based on the knowledge and values we have given her.
[...] ministry, it is defined by having students that don’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or have sex (guess we are not doing so hot on that one)… Many times churches will say that numbers define [...]
Guy’s night! WOOT! WOOT!
The truth of the gospel and God’s grace will change lives in all aspects, including sex. We must see Jesus preached at all times, or certainly it will have no meaning and no motivation and why in the world would I want to follow some rule I think is stupid from a distant God that I’m not sure loves me…
Good thoughts..